i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
