Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
