so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
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