News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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