I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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