Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
