Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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