never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize