i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Life without a bra equals bliss.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
