Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
