There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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