how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
