speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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