just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
