I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
