If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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