Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
