Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
