You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
