Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
