Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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