My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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