happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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