my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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