How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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