ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
