the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
