also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
