dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
