the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
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