If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
even my farts smell like vagina
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
