I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
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