I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
