She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
