just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
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just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
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ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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