dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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