Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
