I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
