Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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