now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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