This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
