I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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