I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Randomize
