so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
