her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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