In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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