They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
