I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
