I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
