I heard we made out
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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