she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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