I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Everclear isn't food dammit
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
