He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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