She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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