I think i peed on brittanys purse
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
